Why Am I So Focused on Right or Wrong? Unpacking the Influence of Early Moral Conditioning in LGBTQ Therapy in NYC
Thinking in binary, black-and-white ways makes for an incomplete view of the world.
Photo by Jonathan Pease; downloaded from Unsplash on 10/13/2024
Imagine being at a family dinner where the conversation takes a sudden turn, and you feel that familiar urge to step in and say something to 'fix' things. Your heart races, and that old sense of duty kicks in or that sense of injustice gets riled up! Why does this happen, even when you’ve left those old beliefs of right/wrong, good/bad, binary thinking behind? Many of us grow up with a strong sense of right and wrong, shaped by the environments in which we were raised. But what happens when this sense becomes overwhelming—when the ethical framework that once gave us direction becomes a burden? For those who have been part of fundamentalist religious communities, like myself, the pressure to live by a strict moral code can be profound. Even after leaving those belief systems behind, we often carry with us the imprint of that conditioning, which can lead to a heightened sense of responsibility or distress when faced with a world that doesn't align with our ideals.
My name is Eric, and I specialize in helping LGBTQ individuals navigate the complex impact of early moral conditioning and trauma, including religious trauma, through LGBTQ therapy in NYC.
The Roots of Ethical Overemphasis
One of the reasons some of us become overly focused on right and wrong is because of the strong conditioning we experienced early in life. Growing up in environments that emphasize strict moral codes, especially in fundamentalist religious communities, can leave deep imprints. These teachings often present the world in black and white, with rigid definitions of what is good and bad. This kind of conditioning can be hard to shake, even when we consciously move away from those belief systems.
For many LGBTQ individuals, this moral conditioning can be particularly harmful. When we grow up in environments that emphasize "right" and "wrong" in narrow terms, it can feel like our very identity is being judged against an impossible standard. This internal conflict can lead to feelings of shame, anxiety, and a heightened need to prove ourselves ethically—both to ourselves and to others.
Early Moral Conditioning and Identity Conflict
For those of us who identify as LGBTQ, the impact of early moral conditioning often intersects with our sense of identity in profound ways. Many of us were taught that certain aspects of who we are were inherently wrong. This creates an internal struggle, where the desire to be "good" according to those moral codes conflicts directly with the core of our authentic selves. This can lead to an ongoing pattern of self-judgment, even after we leave those environments behind.
The sense of right and wrong that we internalize can feel like an unyielding voice inside us—questioning, judging, and pushing us to conform to an ideal that no longer serves us. This can show up in different areas of our lives: in our relationships, our work, and even in how we navigate social interactions. Many clients I work with describe a sense of never quite measuring up, no matter how hard they try, because their internalized sense of morality demands perfection.
From my own experience, I know how deeply ingrained these feelings can be. Growing up in a strict fundamentalist environment, I often felt a heavy responsibility to uphold the moral standards that were placed upon me. Even after leaving that environment, I found myself still carrying the weight of those expectations, struggling with the need to always do what was "right" and feeling activated when others did not. This journey has been one of learning to let go, to find a balance between honoring my values and releasing the pressure to control everything around me.
How Moral Conditioning Shapes Our Sense of Responsibility
The deep sense of responsibility many of us feel often stems from a desire to avoid being judged or condemned, as we once were. This sense of accountability can become overwhelming when we feel it is our duty to correct every ethical misstep we witness. The world can feel chaotic and unjust, and the pressure to set things right can be emotionally exhausting.
In therapy, I often see clients who are burdened by the need to make things "right" for everyone around them. This burden can stem from early experiences where we learned that goodness and worthiness were tied to how well we followed the rules. When these beliefs are deeply ingrained, it becomes challenging to let go of the idea that we are responsible for fixing the world—or for making sure others act in accordance with what we believe is right.
The Link Between Responsibility and Control
The urge to correct or control situations that feel ethically wrong can also be tied to an attempt to regain a sense of safety. When we were young, the rules and moral guidelines we were given often made the world feel predictable. If we did the "right" thing, we were safe. But as we grow older, we realize that the world doesn’t always operate by those rules, and people don't always behave in ways that align with our values. This unpredictability can feel threatening, especially if we learned to equate control with safety.
As a result, the need to correct others or make sure things are "right" can be an attempt to regain control and, by extension, a sense of safety. Therapy provides a space to explore this connection—to understand how our desire to fix things may actually be rooted in a desire to protect ourselves from uncertainty and emotional discomfort. By recognizing this link, we can begin to release the pressure to control everything and find healthier ways to feel safe and grounded.
Understanding the Activation Response
When we see harm or injustice, it’s natural to feel activated. For those of us who have internalized strict moral conditioning, however, this activation can feel all-consuming. It’s as if our nervous system is still responding to the old pressures and fears of being judged or condemned. This is where therapy, particularly LGBTQ Therapy and EMDR, can be incredibly helpful.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) can help process these deep-rooted responses. By addressing past experiences that created these intense ethical pressures, EMDR Therapy in NYC can help reframe our emotional reactions to current events. Instead of feeling an overwhelming need to "fix" everything, we can learn to observe situations with more emotional distance, allowing us to respond from a place of balance rather than reactivity.
How EMDR Can Help Reframe Ethical Overwhelm
EMDR works by helping us process past experiences that have become "stuck" in our nervous system. These experiences can include times when we were harshly judged or punished for not following moral rules. When we encounter situations today that remind us of those past moments, our bodies and minds react as if we are still in that same place of danger or judgment.
Through EMDR, we can revisit those memories in a safe and controlled way, allowing our brains to reprocess them. This process helps reduce the emotional intensity of the memories and allows us to develop new, more adaptive responses. Instead of feeling an urgent need to correct or control others, we can learn to stay present, grounded, and compassionate—with ourselves and with the world around us.
Finding Balance: Honoring Values Without Overwhelming Pressure
When we give up binary, black-and-white thinking, we can see more of the rainbow and live by our values.
Photo by Tristan B.; downloaded from Unsplash 10/13/2024
The goal isn’t to abandon our values. Having a strong sense of ethics is a beautiful thing. The challenge is learning how to hold our values without letting them become burdensome. Therapy can provide a space to explore how we can honor our ideals while also recognizing the limits of our control. We can learn to let go of the belief that we must be responsible for everyone else’s behavior.
In LGBTQ Therapy, we often focus on finding ways to balance our values with self-compassion. This means acknowledging that while we care deeply about right and wrong, we are not obligated to carry the weight of the world’s ethical shortcomings. By releasing some of this self-imposed responsibility, we create space for more joy, more presence, and more authentic connection with ourselves and others.
Cultivating Compassion for Others
While self-compassion is crucial, expanding our compassion to others can also help us release the overwhelming pressure we place on ourselves. When we recognize that others—even those who cause harm—are acting from their own struggles and pain, we can begin to let go of the need to control or correct them. Compassion does not mean condoning harmful behavior, but it does mean understanding that everyone is on their own path, with their own challenges.
In Buddhism, the practice of compassion for all beings helps us see beyond our immediate emotional reactions. By cultivating a compassionate perspective, we can approach difficult situations with greater empathy and less attachment to the outcome. This shift allows us to engage with the world from a place of understanding, rather than judgment or control.
The Role of Self-Compassion in Letting Go
Self-compassion is a key element in learning to let go of overwhelming ethical responsibility. When we are constantly focused on right and wrong, we often judge ourselves harshly for any perceived failure. Self-compassion allows us to treat ourselves with the same kindness and understanding that we would offer a friend. It helps us recognize that we are human—that we are doing our best in a complex and often messy world.
Practicing self-compassion can involve small but powerful shifts in how we speak to ourselves. Instead of saying, "I should have done more" or "I failed to make things right," we can say, "I did what I could, given the circumstances." This shift helps us release the unrealistic expectation that we must always be perfect or always have the answers.
Embracing Impermanence and Letting Go of Attachment
Another important concept to consider is impermanence. Everything in life is constantly changing—circumstances, relationships, even our own thoughts and emotions. By embracing impermanence, we can begin to let go of the rigid attachment to how things "should" be. We can recognize that our values are important, but the world may not always reflect those values, and that’s okay.
Non-attachment doesn’t mean indifference. It means holding our values with openness, allowing them to guide us without becoming rigid or overly controlling. When we accept that things are transient, we can approach situations with a lighter heart and a greater sense of peace. This acceptance helps us reduce the emotional toll that comes from trying to make the world conform to our ideals.
Cultivating Equanimity Through Mindfulness
Equanimity is the practice of maintaining mental calmness and emotional stability, regardless of external circumstances. It is about finding balance—being engaged with the world while not being overwhelmed by it. Mindfulness practices can be incredibly helpful in cultivating equanimity.
Mindfulness allows us to observe our thoughts and emotions without immediately reacting to them. When we feel activated by something we perceive as wrong, mindfulness can help us pause, breathe, and reflect before taking action. This practice creates space between our emotional response and our behavior, allowing us to choose a more balanced and intentional response.
Simple mindfulness exercises, such as focusing on your breath or noticing bodily sensations, can help you stay present in moments of emotional activation. By practicing mindfulness regularly, we can develop greater equanimity, enabling us to hold our values without being consumed by the need to enforce them.
Moving Forward: Making Peace with Your Values
If you’ve ever wondered why you feel so compelled to address every ethical lapse you see or why the actions of others weigh on you so heavily, you’re not alone. This compulsion often comes from early conditioning that taught us our worth was tied to being "good" in a very specific way. But it’s possible to understand and honor your values without carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.
In therapy, we can explore where these beliefs come from and how they influence your emotional experience today. Together, we can work on making peace with your values, finding a way to hold them that feels affirming rather than exhausting. The goal is to live authentically—to let your values guide you, but not dominate you, and to release the past conditioning that no longer serves your growth.
Embracing Complexity and Letting Go of Perfectionism
Living authentically also means embracing the complexity of the world. The truth is, the world is not black and white, and neither are we. Learning to hold our values without rigid attachment allows us to engage with the world in a more nuanced way. We can recognize that people are imperfect, that situations are often complicated, and that our role is not always to fix but sometimes simply to witness and be present.
Through LGBTQ Therapy in NYC, you can find ways to honor your ethical compass while embracing the complexity of the world. It’s about finding a balance that allows you to live with integrity, without feeling overwhelmed by the need to make everything right. By understanding the roots of your ethical focus and learning to release attachment to outcomes, you can create a life that is both principled and free.
If you find yourself struggling with the weight of ethical expectations or feeling activated by a world that doesn’t always align with your values, know that there is a path to greater peace. Through therapy, you can learn to hold your values with a sense of openness, allowing you to live in alignment with what truly matters to you—without the burden of perfectionism or over-responsibility.
Practical Exercises for Letting Go
Photo by Mohamed Nohassi; downloaded from Unsplash on 10/13/2024
To make these concepts more actionable, here are some practical exercises that can help you begin the process of letting go:
Journaling Prompts: Set aside time each day to reflect on your internal sense of right and wrong. Consider questions like, "Where do my beliefs about right and wrong come from?" and "Am I trying to control something that’s beyond my reach?" Write down your thoughts and notice any recurring themes or feelings that arise.
Self-Compassion Meditation: Spend a few minutes each day practicing self-compassion. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and imagine speaking to yourself the way you would speak to a friend. Offer yourself kindness and understanding, especially when you feel you’ve made a mistake. Remind yourself that everyone struggles and that you are doing your best.
Breathwork for Emotional Activation: When you feel activated or overwhelmed, try a simple breathing exercise to ground yourself. Inhale for a count of four, hold for four, exhale for four, and pause for four. Repeat this cycle several times until you feel your body beginning to relax. This practice can help calm your nervous system and create space between your emotional reaction and the actions you take. It’s a quick and effective tool to use in moments of heightened stress, helping you stay more centered and present.
Mindfulness Walk: Go for a walk and practice mindfulness by focusing on your surroundings. Notice the colors, sounds, and sensations you experience. When thoughts about what is "right" or "wrong" arise, gently bring your focus back to your environment. This practice can help you stay present and reduce rumination.
Reframing Practice: When you catch yourself feeling responsible for fixing a situation or someone else’s behavior, take a moment to reframe it. Ask yourself, "Is this truly my responsibility?" and "What would happen if I let this go?" Reframing helps challenge the belief that you must always intervene and allows you to consider alternative perspectives.
Daily Gratitude Practice: End each day by writing down three things you are grateful for. They can be simple—like a good cup of coffee or a supportive friend. Practicing gratitude helps shift your focus from what’s wrong in the world to what’s beautiful and good, which can reduce the burden of always trying to fix things.
Visualization Exercise: Visualize yourself in a difficult situation where you often feel the need to correct others. Imagine responding differently—remaining calm, compassionate, and allowing things to unfold without needing to intervene. This exercise can help your mind rehearse new, more adaptive behaviors.
Setting Boundaries Practice: Identify situations where you feel overwhelmed by responsibility. Practice setting boundaries by saying, "This is not mine to fix." Remind yourself that you are allowed to let go of things that are beyond your control, and give yourself permission to protect your energy.
Next Steps: Take Action for Your Wellbeing
My name is Eric, and I specialize in working with LGBTQ individuals, particularly those navigating the impact of religious conditioning and trauma. Through LGBTQ Therapy in NYC, I can help you understand the roots of your ethical focus, develop compassion for yourself and others, and find more balance in your life.
You don’t have to carry the weight of the world alone. Let’s work together to create more space for joy, presence, and connection.
Contact me here for a free 15-minute phone call to discuss how we can work together to build the resilience you need to thrive. Let's embark on a path toward greater self-respect, healthier relationships, and a stronger sense of community together.
My specialties include LGBTQ+ Therapy NYC, EMDR Therapy NYC, Religious Trauma.
