Embracing Difference: A Comprehensive Guide to LGBTQ+ Therapy in NYC

Standing out takes courage—the power of embracing difference in LGBTQ Therapy NYC.

Updated March 31, 2025

If there were a banner over my own therapeutic journey, it would read: Differentiation. As a queer adult from a conservative background, I’ve spent years exploring what it means to define myself—not just in opposition to others, but as a full, whole person with my own thoughts, feelings, and values. For so many LGBTQ+ individuals, especially those who’ve grown up in families or communities that didn't leave much room for difference, this is sacred work.

I’m Eric Hovis, a licensed mental health counselor based in NYC. I specialize in LGBTQ Therapy NYC, EMDR Therapy, and working with individuals navigating complex family relationships and religious trauma. If you're here, chances are you’ve felt that tension—the desire to be your authentic self while also feeling pulled back into family dynamics that make that difficult. This blog explores a concept that can help guide you through that stuckness: differentiation.

What Is Differentiation and Why Does It Matter in LGBTQ Therapy?

In Bowen Family Systems Theory, differentiation refers to the ability to maintain your sense of self while staying emotionally connected to others—especially your family. It’s not about cutting ties. It’s about being able to hold onto your identity even when people close to you react, criticize, or misunderstand you.

For LGBTQ+ clients, especially those in NYC who may be juggling family ties from afar, this is foundational. Many of us are navigating family relationships where difference is judged, minimized, or used as a wedge. Others have parents who call every day—not necessarily a bad thing—but it can reflect enmeshment, a lack of boundaries, and an unclear sense of where you end and your family begins.

Differentiation is the developmental milestone that many queer Millennials and adults are actively working on, often because our families and culture didn’t prepare us to launch as separate, whole people. This is where therapy can step in.

The Two Dimensions of Differentiation: Intrapersonal and Interpersonal

Intrapersonal Differentiation is your ability to regulate and separate your thoughts from your emotions. For example, you can feel anxious about visiting family, but still think clearly and make decisions based on your values—not just your emotional reactivity.

Interpersonal Differentiation is your capacity to stay in emotional connection with others without absorbing their values, emotions, or expectations. You can love your parents while also voting differently, living differently, and setting different rules for how you engage.

Both forms matter deeply in LGBTQ therapy. And both take work to develop—especially when you come from family systems that discouraged emotional autonomy.

My Story: Becoming Different, and Okay With That

There are aspects of my identity—my queerness, my marriage, my evolving spiritual and political views—that live in tension with my family. I’ve had to accept that they may never fully understand or affirm those parts of me. And honestly? I've had moments where I struggled to accept that too. That’s part of what makes differentiation so tender. It’s not just about holding boundaries. It’s about grieving the fantasy that your family will always see and celebrate all of you.

Over time, I’ve practiced different types of boundaries: time boundaries, conversational boundaries, and even emotional boundaries that allow me to notice when someone’s discomfort isn’t mine to fix. I’ve had to deepen my own sense of comfort in being “the different one.” This is ongoing work. But it’s also liberating.

How Therapy Supports Differentiation for LGBTQ Clients

Let’s get practical. Here’s how LGBTQ therapy in NYC helps clients move from fusion to differentiation:

1. Developing Self-Awareness

We start with who you are—apart from the roles you’ve played in your family. This might include reflective practices, inner parts work (like IFS), journaling, or guided mindfulness exercises that help you hear your own voice beneath the noise.

2. Strengthening Emotional Regulation

Many clients come in reacting strongly to family dynamics—feeling angry, ashamed, or overwhelmed. Therapy helps you name those responses and build tools to stay grounded. You can feel without losing yourself.

3. Grieving What Wasn’t Possible

Differentiation inevitably stirs grief: the pain of not being seen, the sorrow of realizing some relationships may never be fully safe. But when we get to this grief, we celebrate it. Because to even feel it, we had to peel back layers of anxiety, anger, and numbing. We bring your current resources—your inner nurturer, your chosen supports, your earned wisdom—and we do that deep, healing work together.

One metaphor I often use is the story of the Golden Buddha. A precious statue, once covered in clay to protect it, was forgotten over time. The clay hardened, hiding the gold underneath. Only by chipping away the clay—our defenses, our adaptations—do we remember our true worth. Differentiation is a lot like that. Messy, gradual, and ultimately radiant.

Differentiation in Action: Real-Life Client Patterns

If you're reading this and nodding, you might recognize yourself in one of these patterns:

• "I talk to my mom every day, and I feel guilty when I don’t."

• "My family doesn’t know I’m dating someone, and I avoid bringing it up."

• "I lose my voice in group texts with my family—it’s easier to just say nothing."

• "I can't stop second-guessing my life decisions after every family visit."

You’re not alone. These are real issues, and they’re all signs that differentiation is a growth edge. Not because you’re broken—but because you're ready to live more fully, with less entanglement and more clarity.

Looking for LGBTQ Therapy in NYC that actually gets this?

I work with clients navigating exactly this terrain. Whether you’re struggling with guilt, grief, boundaries, or burnout from family systems that never made space for your full self, therapy can help you become more grounded, more free, and more you. Schedule a free 15-minute consult here.

Related Pillars of Differentiation: Mentalization, Individuation, and Boundaries

Mentalization: Understanding Your Own and Others’ Minds

Mentalization is the skill of seeing your own internal experience and imagining someone else’s—without merging or losing yourself. This is vital when navigating conversations about identity with family members who just don’t get it. It lets you say, "I understand that this is hard for them," while also holding onto, "and I still deserve to be me."

Individuation: Becoming Fully You

Individuation is about stepping into your full identity. Not just being out, but being whole. Therapy supports this by helping you take back the parts of yourself that you were taught to minimize—your joy, your anger, your softness, your beliefs.

Boundaries: Messy but Necessary

A solid brick wall symbolizes the strength and clarity of healthy boundaries in LGBTQ Therapy NYC.

Setting boundaries isn’t just saying "no." It's saying yes to your values. It’s giving up the fantasy that your family will change, and instead anchoring yourself in what you need. Sometimes boundaries are flexible. Sometimes they’re firm. Sometimes they lead to temporary distance. But in therapy, you get to explore them thoughtfully, not impulsively.

And sometimes, in cases where your emotional, psychological, or physical safety is consistently compromised, we may explore the possibility of going no contact. This decision is never taken lightly. It often comes with grief, ambivalence, and fear. But in therapy, I can help you navigate this process with clarity and care—so you can make the best possible choice for your well-being.

What Differentiation Looks Like Years Later

Down the line, differentiation might sound like:

• "What are my values, and how do I live them in this situation?"

• "How do I stay true to myself even when someone disapproves?"

• "What conversations are actually worth having—and which ones are just me trying to be understood by someone who isn’t capable of it right now?"

• "Can I let go of needing to be 'right' and instead stay rooted in my integrity?"

• "Do I need to reconsider contact with someone who repeatedly violates my boundaries?"

These aren’t easy questions. But they are the signs of someone who is living with clarity, courage, and care.

Ready to Explore Differentiation in Therapy?

You don’t have to do this work alone. As a therapist specializing in LGBTQ Therapy in NYC, I’m here to walk with you through the messiness of individuation, boundary-setting, and reclaiming your identity. We’ll chip away the clay, honor the grief, and help you live from your gold.

👉 Book a free 15-minute consultation to learn more about my approach, my specialties, and how therapy can support your path.

You deserve to live as your fullest self—not just in spite of your family history, but with the wisdom it’s given you. Let’s begin.